Everything running through my mind at the moment seems so fucking trivial, but I might as well get it down anyways. I've been trying to organize myself and my life lately, so I guess that's why my mental state is so simple, and broken down into sections and categories that don't really matter in any abstract or meaningful sense whatsoever. So atypical, for me at least, but I'm not sure whether it's a good or bad thing for the time being. Lists seem fitting for now.
a) I have a love/hate relationship for waking up super early these days, without any real reason to do so. I find myself unable to fall back into sleep, my mind racing at a mile a minute. Going for a run or some other activity requiring physical exhertion seems to tame my general being until the sun fully comes up, and it feels as if the day actually requires my overly-conscious state. I woke up this morning at 5-something AM to a planned-out list of to-do's and a pile of pills, but I'm starting to see them as something helpful, rather than something negative related to sickness. I'm trying to be less structured in my usual sick sense, and it seems to be getting me further and keeping me saner than usual.
b) Aaron's in jail, what's up. Glad I know how to pick 'em, apparently.
c) I had a sweet day with Jay yesterday, and I'm glad that I actually made the effort to go out and see someone, as tempted as I was (and always am) to bail and lurk around home/town. He took me lots of cool places and we just had a plain and simple good time. It made me feel young again. I'm stoked to have so many legit friends and acquaintances in my life, and I'm excited to build on my relationships with people like him.
d) I'm hoping to get tattooed today. It's kind of been an impulse decision, though it feels like something I've thought through and anticipated for so long. I'm glad that Billy's the one coming with me; it just feels perfectly right.
e) School starts in 2 days, and I'm generally excited. I can't help but feel completely useless in regards to my program, though, because over the years, I feel as if I've written all that I need to write, and put all of my effort out on the table, so I have no need or drive to try anymore. I haven't been practicing, or writing, and even with outlets and resources available to do so (i.e. this blog), I've made no attempt to actually write anything well, properly, or worthwhile. I don't care in the slightest anymore, because I know my skills and abilities, and I don't feel the need to prove anything to myself or anyone else. My writing lately has been so shitty and haphazard, with 1% effort on my part as far as expressing myself, adequate vocabulary and syntax, etc. are concerned, and that makes me worried for school, because my work will be being judged in an environment where it actually matters (only towards my future, not because I care what profs think about my shit, or because I need anyone to validate anything). Bummer, but not enough of one for me to start trying again... not that I would know how anymore at this point anyways.
I can't express how fucking annoying it is that 2 keys have fallen off my laptop in the past few days, and that I can't fix something so horribly basic. I need to stop putting such a stress on my habitual bad luck with deteriorating/lost material possessions, no matter how expensive they may be, and how OCD I may feel about them.
Other than that, hello new day.
