Gone.

So on the verge that it's not even funny.
I didn't know that I had pushed myself this far away.

.

Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow's always the day,
and yet I still wake up each morning to complete failure and disappointment by my own hand in a matter of minutes.
A small step in the right direction or a complete tragedy, with no in between places for me to be human again.
The punishment is overbearing and I would rather sleep the days away than deal with this mess.  Internal conflict beyond description, every second a mental war where I always lose.
Soon there will be nothing to take away or give myself to validate my lack of self-control and structure.
I just wish I knew where to start... somewhere, anywhere.  I wish it could be today, but I know that this fight is ongoing and never-ending, and when I've occupied myself to the brim I will just fall apart.  I'm already halfway there, the threads undone and the pieces inches apart, the distances between them growing each day.  An old quilt that's really not so old as to be wise and experienced and have lived its due life, but rather was shittily made, over-used, and self-destructive.

Headsick; braindead.

I don't think I've ever been more confused and helpless with my mental condition in my life than I have in the past few months... and that's really, really saying something, considering my past.  The mood swings are killing me, and I find myself frustrated and annoyed to the brink of physically punching people in the face for no real reason.  My mom's presence and general being annoys me, and I have said the most horrible things to her over the past few weeks without hesitating.  She isn't doing anything wrong, just caring, and talking, and associating with me... and yet just the thought of her voice makes me clench my fists until my knuckles turn white.  This can be said for quite a few people these days
.
I find myself, in a matter of literally seconds, going to and from
a) Beyond irritated and aggravated with everything and everyone (especially myself), wanting to beat the shit out of people on the spot or have a psycho freak attack and rip apart a room, without any real instigation.  It is in an awkward non-confident and self-loathing way, which is not typical of my anger attacks, which are normally with some air of cockiness and wanting to set someone in their place... this is not the case with this feeling.
b) Deep depression and hopelessness, where I feel that nothing can be done in any of my situations, no progress can be made, and life generally sucks.  The only cure to this feeling is normally sleeping my life away, because I feel that purely existing fucks everything up even more.  It is the most sickening feeling, because the rock-bottom low approaches so fast, and sits in the pit of my stomach... it actually comes on like a heated panic, as if my situation (mostly to do with my weight problem) is completely unfixable and horrible.  At these stages, I NEVER want to leave the house again, unless it is for work or school, and even in those cases I would obviously rather sleep in my room alone for weeks until my body withers away into nothing and I can be seen in public again.
c) Intense and unwarranted bouts of extreme ecstatic inspiration, where I am stoked on life, and stoked on my future as I can see myself being able to make progress.  In these cases I imagine how things will be when I lose weight and start going down to party, meet cool people, etc etc.  I am never happy about a present situation, only ever about the future... and it's always completely unrealistic, and shit that never actually happens.
d) Complete apathy and loss of interest in or opinion on anything.  No care whatsoever.  A fucking plane could crash into my house and kill everyone, and I really just wouldn't give a shit.  Not stoked on it, not bummed.  Nothing phases me or my mood, which is a complete empty pit.

So basically, my life is a complete rollercoaster, without anything actually happening.  My head is a giant contradiction and constant battle with myself, even when I'm sitting in my room staring at a wall (which I often am these days, since outside stimulation along with my mental state = complete chaos, and me not being able to handle life).

Someone please fix me, because I can't fucking live like this anymore.  It's actually interfering with everything, and taking over my life.  The only solution is sleep, and my mom won't even let me do that anymore, because she says it's a sign that my depression is getting worse, blahblahblah.

Fuck everything.

I

Self-destructive manneurisms, loathesome nihilism, coercive misanthropy, epitome of insanity, obsessive-compulsive, self-indulgent, contradiction, self-infliction, introverted extrovert, intentions beyond covert, frustrated, exasperated, effortless, faithless, hopeless, nothing.
Obsolete
obsolete
obsolete
obsolete.

Lists, 400th attempt at a bloging account

Everything running through my mind at the moment seems so fucking trivial, but I might as well get it down anyways.  I've been trying to organize myself and my life lately, so I guess that's why my mental state is so simple, and broken down into sections and categories that don't really matter in any abstract or meaningful sense whatsoever.  So atypical, for me at least, but I'm not sure whether it's a good or bad thing for the time being.  Lists seem fitting for now.

a) I have a love/hate relationship for waking up super early these days, without any real reason to do so.  I find myself unable to fall back into sleep, my mind racing at a mile a minute.  Going for a run or some other activity requiring physical exhertion seems to tame my general being until the sun fully comes up, and it feels as if the day actually requires my overly-conscious state.  I woke up this morning at 5-something AM to a planned-out list of to-do's and a pile of pills, but I'm starting to see them as something helpful, rather than something negative related to sickness.  I'm trying to be less structured in my usual sick sense, and it seems to be getting me further and keeping me saner than usual.

b) Aaron's in jail, what's up.  Glad I know how to pick 'em, apparently.

c) I had a sweet day with Jay yesterday, and I'm glad that I actually made the effort to go out and see someone, as tempted as I was (and always am) to bail and lurk around home/town.  He took me lots of cool places and we just had a plain and simple good time.  It made me feel young again.  I'm stoked to have so many legit friends and acquaintances in my life, and I'm excited to build on my relationships with people like him.

d) I'm hoping to get tattooed today.  It's kind of been an impulse decision, though it feels like something I've thought through and anticipated for so long.  I'm glad that Billy's the one coming with me; it just feels perfectly right.

e)  School starts in 2 days, and I'm generally excited.  I can't help but feel completely useless in regards to my program, though, because over the years, I feel as if I've written all that I need to write, and put all of my effort out on the table, so I have no need or drive to try anymore.  I haven't been practicing, or writing, and even with outlets and resources available to do so (i.e. this blog), I've made no attempt to actually write anything well, properly, or worthwhile.  I don't care in the slightest anymore, because I know my skills and abilities, and I don't feel the need to prove anything to myself or anyone else.  My writing lately has been so shitty and haphazard, with 1% effort on my part as far as expressing myself, adequate vocabulary and syntax, etc. are concerned, and that makes me worried for school, because my work will be being judged in an environment where it actually matters (only towards my future, not because I care what profs think about my shit, or because I need anyone to validate anything).  Bummer, but not enough of one for me to start trying again... not that I would know how anymore at this point anyways.

I can't express how fucking annoying it is that 2 keys have fallen off my laptop in the past few days, and that I can't fix something so horribly basic.  I need to stop putting such a stress on my habitual bad luck with deteriorating/lost material possessions, no matter how expensive they may be, and how OCD I may feel about them.
Other than that, hello new day.